11pm dinners

the oil sizzled and spit

grease--my hair lies flat

steak fries and yesterday spagetti sauce, thicked with cornmeal

porn theatre boat noodles

sunday stopped by at the boat noodle shop in an alley that leads to the porn theater. crossed paths with a transvestite regular on her way out. she was hard to miss with a prominent nose, long neck and a hard look in her eyes. the skin above her shoulder was pockmarked, her veins prominent.

it was a slow day so we stood around waiting for a table then the food took a while longer. i turned around momentarily and saw the regular making her way back in a new sleeved shirt. slow but firm steps to the smudgy glass doors.

the reader

11:25 pm
got home from work. reheated miscellaneous leftover pasta doused in habanero tabasco.
not a bad night. i've had many much later, much worse.
eating and reading nancy, looking at an image of buffaloes jumping off (falling off?) a cliff.

wish i could be on google reader all day, opening up an endless number of tabs.
mostly i just end up typing furiously and walking to the restroom, having a couple of beers at the desk or somewhere else at the end of the day.

trying to cut down on the drinking again. had been doing so well between may and october. i just don't have the willpower anymore.

other things i should/have been wanting to do:
go back to yoga
learn bookbinding (and maybe statistics)
finish a concept that's not work-related
coq au vin night

my coworker today asked for time as his birthday gift. what a nice thought. i wish we had 30 hours a day. i think i'd be cool with that.

the kumquat is the smallest citrus

small &
raw
dangling
green,
halfway formed
deceptively
pretending

just by looking you can tell
the taste
in your mouth now
would cut
your tongue

but maybe one day
you'll say
fuck it
to falling
and climb the tree,
reaching for orange

you’ll peel it apart,
sweet skin and all,
suck and then softly
spit
a word
not meant to be
said
out loud

young but aging

sat by two young girls from the neighborhood by the church today. the younger one who is about 4 was asking her 10-year old sister to read to her. the sister read slowly, syllable by syllable. i thought as i looked at them that they will grow up to be beautiful girls and hoped they would know things like math and english, and how to use a computer. some people at the church were starting an after-school program for kids in the area. i sometimes think about helping out, but i get so sad and frustrated thinking about inequality sometimes that i tip myself over into apathy.

after that, i had lunch with a friend's 1-year-old for the first time. i liked watching a child that hasn't quite learned how to smile yet. still, she was quite the charmer with her frequent squints and teeth-baring. such a social little girl--the kind that i wasn't.

feeling ridiculously on edge these days. don't know if it's all the deadlines and the intense hourly introspection. really having to think about what i want out of the next 5-10 years. i never thought i'd have to think about it, but if i don't, i'll find that time goes by and i still won't know what i want. and it's where i don't think i want to be.

i keep falling into things and i don't know if i can keep relying on that forever.

try again

everyday is productive. ideas, words, layouts sent away to the next step. moving on. sometimes it's scratch and fall back. scrap that, back to the blank page. revisions. over and over again.

4 hours later at the same spot.

have a drink. keep on going.

aaliyah's got it right.

youngling

i came across a young girl at the library
i, with a huge stack of books, and the girl, doing her math homework,
no chair, she was standing, pacing almost.

she had written across her worksheet
BORING
i asked her, "what's boring?"
"this worksheet! urgh," she replied.
"what do you like to do?" i inquired.
"i like to read," she said, and looked down slightly.

"i love to read," i said, "and write."
i showed her my sketchbook.

as i walked away i realized that i should go back and encourage her to do math as well,
so i walked back,
went up to her, and said, "you'll need some math in life, but i didn't like math either.  maybe you should get a journal to write in during math class."

i walked away.

later when i was looking through the stacks, i heard shuffling behind me
and a voice as it ran away, "oh, there she is!"

--a'misa